// Index
What I Learned on My Holidays
Hello! Did you miss me? Probably not – I suspect you never knew I was away. But I was, having spent the last week happily ensconced in Gran Canaria.
It was very nice, though, thanks for asking. Whilst the temperature barely rose above 22, I was still subject to seven hours a day of baking sunshine which was very pleasant. The wind, mind you, did mean that the afternoon on the beach had a vaguely exfoliating effect, and I am still finding bits of sand in places I never knew it was possible to get sand into, but there we are.
So did I learn anything from this trip? Well, yes I did actually. Here in no particular order are the things I learned or discovered while I was out there:
- I really should pack more books. I seriously under-estimated how many I’d need and as a result once I’d finished my four, I then had to read the flatmate’s ones as well. (Although actually he’d taken them from my bookshelf anyway, so I was effectively rereading my own. Still, “The Vesuvius Club” and “The Devil in Amber” are definitely worth revisiting.)
- The people most inclined towards naturism are generally the people who have the least to show off. (There should be a law against people of a certain sagginess from doing it, in my opinion.)
- One of the best gay bars in the world is called Detox Retox and serves incredibly nice fruit smoothies or shakes (for the detox) and some amazing cocktails with suitably smutty names for the retox. It’s beautifully appointed too, with some lovely staff, and it was there I made my next discovery….
- You can barely walk after a Double Penetration. But it’s so worth it.
- Another of the best gay bars in the world is called Centre Stage and is inevitably oriented around show-tunes and theatricals on its big screen, where snippets from Morecambe and Wise rub shoulders with clips from Ab Fab, Kenny Everett, Lily Savage and the like. The only downsides are a) its extremely limited capacity and b) the extremely painful hour in which I made my next discovery…
- I hate American Film Musicals. Really. With a passion. The thigh-slapping idiocy of Calamity Jane, the pastel and primary-coloured hell of Seven Brides for Seven Brothers, or anything that has even the vaguest hint of being Rodgers and Hammerstein-esque makes me feel so fundamentally uneasy that I have to leave the vicinity. And this is especially true of The Sound of Music, a musical so nauseatingly saccharine my stomach is churning just thinking about it.
- That said, Howard Keel was a bit of alright in his day wasn’t he?
- I’d never have believed it possible but the Daily Mail has, if anything, got worse. (Look, I was stuck, I couldn’t find a real newspaper anywhere.)
- The most amazingly sublime understatement in the world is found in the Dorling Kindersley Eyewitness Guide to the Canary Islands and it reads as follows: “Vegetarians will suffer in the Canaries.” Thankfully, for Michael’s sake, on the last day we discovered Valentines - possibly the only restaurant to have a selection of vegetarian options (as opposed to just one starter), where we were all able to eat heartily and also enjoy the warm, attentive and friendly service of our hostess, Ms Beverley Hills. Not to mention the desert:
- Caipirinha Tiramisu. A revelation, let me tell you.
- On the subject of food, on another occasion I also found that Reindeer is extremely tasty. So thanks to the “OK! Restaurant” for that (and I must point out to the owners that its name really is really under-selling it by quite a large degree.)
- Vodka measures in the Canaries are about six times that of an average UK double. (Poor Michael. And, for that, matter Poor Chris.)
- The best way you can survive on a flight if you don’t like flying is to be seated next to someone who is more scared than you. This happened to me on the return flight and despite the turbulence I found myself quite happily sitting there and enjoying it. (The wine may also have helped.)
- However much you loved your time away, your own bed is always the best.
Posted on March 5, 2008 | Filed Under My So-Called Life
Comments
Response left by Emma on March 6th, 2008
Hah! I did rather – in fact I had no idea there’d been one until you mentioned it!
I trust Lincolnshire is doing a hunt for the filthy homos who caused that church to be damaged. 
)
Response left by Rob on March 6th, 2008
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Holidays eh….lucky bugger, does that mean you missed the earthquake we had here the other week then….quite funny considering your recent entry on the matter.