// My So-Called Life
The Glass is Half Empty
This morning I became aware (again, if I’m totally honest) that I really am a glass half empty type of person.
I noticed over the last couple of days that I have been tripping over the bottoms of my jeans. Not in a major way, mind, just finding that they catch my heel occasionally.
And, after a day or so of this, I have finally realized that the problem is they are sliding down because there is now, without a belt, quite a sizeable gap between my waist and that of the jeans.
Now, you’d have thought that – for someone as obsessed with their weight as I am – I could take this as a good thing, a sign that I am well on the way to becoming a buff beach-bronzed Adonis and that maybe I could give myself a pat on the back and adjust my self-image accordingly, wouldn’t you?
But no. My first thought was “oh, bloody hell – I have to buy more sodding jeans”.
On Planet Rob, it seems, every silver lining has a cloud.
Posted on June 2, 2008 | Filed Under Health and Fitness, My So-Called Life | 1 Comment
Closed Language Systems
A closed language system is an interesting thing. You almost certainly use one yourself: it’s basically the phenomenon whereby people in a social group somehow understand each other despite the fact that what they’re saying doesn’t actually *mean* anything and yet somehow (and often against all the odds) you figure out rapidly what that person means.
Case in point – and my aunt really is a master of this sort of statement – “oh, can you go and get me the thingy”.
I’ve lost count of the number of times I have stared blankly at her and tried to figure out what the thing could possibly be, and yet somehow I usually arrive at the right decision and respond accordingly.
Of course, you could sit there and go “well, if she’s about to whisk eggs then she’d logically want you to get the egg whisk” but that’s not quite it. Because my aunt’s mental processes are very rarely routed in whatever’s happening at the time, the context is never immediately apparent. She could just as easily want me to get a screwdriver or an iPod or whatever.
It’s quite an art.
This morning my flatmate demonstrated a knowledge of me which indicates that we too have a genuinely closed language system. Prior to leaving for work he had cause – from a completely different room in the house – to decode a vocalisation of mine which showed he had precisely located the likely events which would lead me to make such a noise.
The noise in question – let loose as I rummaged in my bag looking for my work door pass – can only be expressed in letters as “wuh-hurghh!”
After which there was a noticeable flurry of activity and pause, after which a voice drifted along the hallway from the front room with the simple enquiry: “spider?”
He was spot on.
It seems spider season has begun. Gah!
Posted on June 2, 2008 | Filed Under My So-Called Life, The World we Live In | 0 Comments
Garlic and Shots
Last night, Other Rob and I met up to paint the town a gentle shade of pink and discuss the future of the Vauxhall Griffin quiz which is – if all goes as planned – due a little shakeup.
Thus I found myself standing gormlessly in Frith Street whilst Rob outlined the various culinary options available to us, and we jointly settled – through curiosity mainly – on a visit to Garlic and Shots.
It has to be said that it’s possibly the most baffling and perspective-shifting meal I’ve ever had. The menu is incredibly literal: if it’s not a shot of alcohol it has garlic in it. Lots of garlic. (And even some of the shots have garlic in too.)
We both settled on the beautifully named “Garlic and Chilli Concoction of Beef Meat in a Pan” which turned out to be exactly as described: a large, garlic and chilli heavy splat of meat in a pan with nachos, cheese, a cob of corn and various salady items to take the edge off the spice.
I must confess I’m not sure it justified the price tag, but it was very very good indeed. Washed down with some not unpleasant house white I felt quite replete.
But it was the deserts that finally caught us out. We felt we had to try really, and it was telling that Rob and I simultaneously took a bite of our puddings, paused, and looked each other straight in the eye with that sort of shocked expression you get when you realise you’re further into your overdraft than you thought.
“Yeah,” Rob said, chewing thoughtfully “that’s definitely got garlic in.”
Strange though it sounds, “Cocoa and Butterscotch Garlic Toffee cake” isn’t actually at all unpleasant. In fact it’s really quite nice, it’s just a major struggle to get past the idea that you’re eating a desert which tastes quite identifiably of something you don’t normally have in such quantity.
Or, in the case of the “Garlic Honey Ice Cream with Chocolate Dipped Garlic Cloves”, whole.
Still, I certainly feel richer for the experience and can heartily recommend it – even to my friends. Please do give it a try if you ever have the chance.
(Although it may not be an ideal place to take a date…)
Posted on May 23, 2008 | Filed Under My So-Called Life | 1 Comment
TV Licencing
I am, at this moment, mightily – and irrationally – annoyed with the TV Licensing people.
It’s not that the TV licence itself is a bad thing (if it keeps me in Doctor Who and QI then I’m more than happy to pay it) but that the TV Licensing organisation is apparently run by idiots.
We have, naturally enough, a TV licence. However, it is – as it has been since before I moved in with him – in the flatmate’s name and we have seen no reason to change this whatsoever.
But over the last year I have had no fewer than five letters from TV Licensing demanding that I get a TV licence because I’ve purchased some piece of equipment (the last one being a freeview box) and they have no record of me having a licence at this address.
And each time I have responded with a telephone call pointing out the existing licence code which covers our house and they have gone “oh, okay” and shut up for a bit.
But because of the Freeview box I have had yet another letter and I have to admit I’ve kind of got fed up with them. Perhaps it’s because I’m in a sort of computers and database solutions capacity myself but I honestly don’t understand why they find it so difficult to remember that someone else is linked to the address. All it would take would be a couple of additional fields in the database, after all.
But no, apparently it’s easier to assume everyone’s a criminal and treat them as such, which kind of annoys the merry heck out of me.
I feel a little persecuted to be honest and suspect I am dangerously close to being very ratty next time I ring them up…
Posted on May 22, 2008 | Filed Under My So-Called Life | 0 Comments
Back on the Road Again
Sadly, Chris and I have been informed by our Landlord that he’s having his house refurbished and therefore needs our flat back for three months while it’s done. And so, once again, we find ourselves looking for a place to live.
And therefore back facing the same sorts of difficulties we faced before. The whole “yeah, but this bedroom could only fit a double bed if you took a chainsaw to it” thing is much in evidence, which is terribly frustrating – although at least this time we have only encountered one case of “which part of ‘must have a garden’ do you not understand?”
God I hate this process. It’s utterly soul destroying.
This time round, it has to be said, Foxtons have upped their game considerably and have been very helpful and efficient, not something I’ve encountered from them before. Sadly in the last year prices have gone up rather a lot (as the sales market slumps) so we’re going to be paying a premium rate but there’s not much that can be done about that.
One thing that has made life easier this time, though, is the fact we’re already in the sort of area we want to be in, so we’re no longer travelling for 45 minutes each way to view properties. It’s been quite nice taking a short walk in the sunshine to get to the places we’ve viewed so far! It’s just a shame the search is so far proving so fruitless.
Posted on May 12, 2008 | Filed Under My So-Called Life | 5 Comments
Self-Cancelling Arguments
My stepmother – Shelley – has many virtues, but all too often it seems that the ability to form a watertight argument isn’t one of them. Indeed I once found myself in the position of watching her conduct a monologue in which she decided to stop taking the car to school of a morning but ended up with her deciding against it five minutes later.
No other person got a word in edgeways, it was a pure case of managing to talk herself out of something entirely unaided – quite a fascinating thing to view in many respects.
She is also able to sound off for ages on the evils of immigration whilst conveniently forgetting that her own mother – sadly recently departed – was born and raised in Holland and only popped over when the Second World War kicked off.
Last weekend, however, she outclassed herself. First, whilst merrily beavering away over a pile or ironing, she put forwards the view that a couple of generations ago people were able to live longer. She then put forward a load of caveats that would have prevented this, which it seemed was destined to become pretty much endless.
“So,” I said, after a moment’s pause in the speech, “what you’re basically saying is: in the old days people used to live longer as long as they survived?”
Best was yet to come though. She later took the opportunity to blast my father for his dependence on powered transport to go anywhere. “I mean,” she fumed, “you’ve got all these opportunities around for nice long walks but you never do any bloody exercise do you? All you do is your keep fit!”
Dad looked over at me and I’m afraid to say I just dissolved into a fit of giggles which took me a good five minutes to recover from and were in serious danger of damaging me.
Thankfully she is able to recognise these flights of self contradiction and laugh about them or I guess evenings at home would be quite frosty at times.
Bless
Posted on May 11, 2008 | Filed Under My So-Called Life | 0 Comments
Thank You!
Just a quick note to say thank you one and all who – despite my completely ignoring the fact and giving no hint whatsoever – managed to remember or deduce that I have now managed to hit the wrong side of 30 on Monday.
I wasn’t really marking it since it’s not exactly a milestone one (more of a millstone really) but your well-wishes and occasional insults were very touching!
Even the chorus of Happy Birthday and TARDIS cake presentation at the quiz yesterday managed to move me (as well as mortify me too).
That said, it’s amazing how many people wanted a piece of David Tennant.
Posted on April 23, 2008 | Filed Under My So-Called Life | 0 Comments
Crippling Pedantry
There are times when being such an appalling pedantasist (go on, it’s wide open for you) takes you dangerously close to being on the receiving end of some actual bodily harm.
For example, on Tuesday night as I queued outside the cash machine I found myself being vaguely irked by the sign in a Whorephone Carhouse window which advertised the fact that the “all new iPod’s” were in. I found myself wanting to go in and complain about this sign, but since I get stared at blankly by the staff in these places when I even ask for something as obscure as a new phone, so I thought better of it on the grounds that the finer points of grammar may cause some kind of seizure.
And you don’t want to be responsible for that sort of thing do you?
So anyway… I dragged my thoughts back to the present and waited patiently in line as before. And then over the top of the surging beats from my own iPod’ I heard the couple of people behind me chatting away. I politely tried to ignore them, but all of a sudden one of them uttered something so awful my blood turned to ice.
“Yeah,” said the camper of the two, “it’s definitely much more busier isn’t it?”
I fought to control myself at this and, thankfully, won. It would have been so easy to swing round and hit him with my manbag, it really would, but somehow I suspect shouting “for God’s sake, you don’t form a comparative with ‘more’ and a suffix you illiterate moron” in the street would have made me seem somewhat unbalanced.
Or, at least, more unbalanced than normal.
But why is it that comparative and superlative forms are so difficult for people to understand these days? Is it just because grammar hasn’t been taught in schools for years, or has there been some kind of consensus that this sort of mangling of the language is actually fine?
For those of us who took a degree in this sort of thing it’s like a foreign world sometimes it really is.
Posted on March 27, 2008 | Filed Under My So-Called Life, The World we Live In | 7 Comments
The Influence of Television…
Over the weekend – where visits to Ikea, garden centres and so on were made less pleasurable by the flurry of snow – it occurred to me that I really don’t have enough jumpers. Nestling in the bottom of one of my drawers are a couple of quite slinky tight-fitting little numbers, admittedly, but until I have managed to pump up the physique considerably more I felt ill-inclined to wear them. Essentially a more chunky and standard look is definitely what I was short of, I thought
So last night, prior to a lovely evening of boozing in the Duke of Wellington with a friend of mine, I hit Oxford Street (with all the unutterable awfulness that entails) and rectified the problem with a few choice purchases. In retrospect I’m not sure the Lemon was a good idea – it occurs that more muted colours seem to suit me best – but certainly I now have an array of sweaters from which to choose.
And so this morning saw me struggling into one of said jumpers (I’ve managed to knacker my shoulder overnight somehow, which is agony), pottering round the house a bit doing my usual routine and leaving for work.
It was only when I paused to do a quick check of my attire before heading out the door that I suddenly realised that my entire look clearly echoed that of a TV character loved by millions. There in the mirror, with his short hair, big ears, maroon sweater and half-length black leather jacket stood the Ninth Doctor.
I cursed inwardly and scurried out the door before the flatmate could see. Because he would doubtless have pointed and laughed.
Posted on March 26, 2008 | Filed Under Film, TV, Theatre, My So-Called Life | 1 Comment
Oh For Crying Out Bleeding Loud…
Some of you will be aware of the fact that I was, at the end of January, the victim of telephone banking fraud. Someone had verified they had my bank account details correct by making a small deposit on my account – in Forest Gate of all places – and then rang up Abbey and transferred a substantial sum of money out of my account.
I won’t bore you with the saga – Abbey basically are hopelessly understaffed and overworked as far as I can tell – but it took six weeks all told to get my money refunded and for an account to be made available to me again. (I am so switching accounts once the dust has cleared I tell you.) But what is irritating is the fact that other institutions with whom I have financial dealings aren’t apparently any better.
Whilst I was on holiday for example I started getting phone calls from Amex pointing out that I have missed payments and can I pay them now please? On the first day I said no, and explained why and they seemed quite happy. In fact they unfroze my cards in case I’d need them and made sure the case notes reflected this. This was a good thing and I was mightily impressed by their efforts.
It’s just a shame that no-one at Amex ever read the case notes before giving me the next phone call two days later. Or the one after that. Finally, on my return – once I’d been able to go to the bank and pick up my new card which (naturally) turned up while I was on my way through airport security the week before – they rang up asking me to pay without actually checking whether I had.
In fact I’d beaten them to it by half an hour. And their computers showed that clearly, apparently.
But then yesterday I had to deal with what I later described as “O2 / BT Vision Buggery Bollocks”. A shitty letter from O2, for example, complained I hadn’t paid and my phone was thus restricted. This was a surprise – they were one of direct debits who had acknowledged Abbey’s request to change the details – but it turns out that whilst they acknowledged the details they simply didn’t bother to action them.
BT Vision on the other hand, were given my bank details before I went away because a bill needed paying urgently. I got a new bill yesterday asking for me to make the next payment manually and when I rang them it turned out (after a lengthy time on hold) the details were in the system but whoever had taken them forgot to submit them to the billing department.
And no, I couldn’t pay it there and then because the payments system was down.
I despair I really do. Not so much that the person in question forgot, but that their computer system takes payment details but doesn’t automatically update the people responsible for taking it. The last two months while I’ve tried to sort my life out have basically been one system or process failure after another. Stupid inflexible processes, inefficient bureaucracy, or just simple bloody minded stupidity have probably well and truly shafted my credit record for the next couple of years.
It’s no wonder all these companies are going down the tubes. They either have lax security procedures (I mean, Abbey’s is shockingly poor), or else give credit to people who have no means of paying and then make it stupendously difficult for those of us who can pay to actually do so.
Complete and utter fuckwads, I tell you. Arsewittery in the extreme.
Posted on March 19, 2008 | Filed Under My So-Called Life, The World we Live In | 1 Comment